So your Christian wife cheated on you. The first post in this series dealt with getting you in the right spiritual mindset: God has your back. Now, you need to deal with preparing for the emotional journey.
First, be prepared for the fact that this is going to hurt. A lot. For a long time. This isn’t going to clear itself up in a couple of days like an Athlete’s Foot infection. You will sometimes feel like an emotional train wreck. You will sometimes feel utterly alone, even when you’re with friends or family. You will sometimes feel like God has totally abandoned you (but He hasn’t, trust me). Like the damned crew of the Black Pearl in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean, you will sometimes feel absolutely nothing. Numb. Unable to either laugh or sink into despair.
And you will sometimes feel red-hot, blazing anger.
It’s okay to be angry. Christians today will tell you anger is never justified. And yet they claim to serve a Lord who actually chased people out of the Temple with a whip like a mad man. Ignore all that. Be angry, but do not sin.
Next, you need to be clear that this is not your fault. Shame will be a constant threat to you. And you must not let the Devil shame you. Cling to God and resist the Devil.
Your wife especially will try to shame you. She will try to tell you she did this because she was “unhaaaaapy,” because you don’t listen to her, because you don’t communicate well, because you don’t keep the house clean (my ex-wife tried all of these). That’s baloney.
Here you need understand your first bit of female psychology. Women often have a wee little furry rationalization hamster in their heads. In the face of facts, truth, reason, or logic that point to the woman’s guilt, her little rationalization hamster will get in its hamster wheel and run as fast as it can away from reality. But it will never get anywhere. It’s stuck in a hamster wheel. So she will only go in circles.
Often, such a woman’s rationalization hamster will create the idea in her head that she did such and such because she was unhappy. She’ll do this after the fact as a way to rationalize in her mind what she did. She won’t even realize she did it. In actual fact, she might have been really happy right up until some suave, muscular, rich, charming, and exciting man said hello and started to flirt with her. But after the fact, she will create the idea in her own mind that she wasn’t happy the whole time.
No, the Bible gives us only one reason that she cheated on you: Lust. Rank, disgusting, vile, perverted lust. Women lust too, even though, again, a lot of Christian pastors don’t ever mention that. They only like to talk about guys who look at porn, never about women who commit lust that leads to infidelity. Some of it is innocent on the pastors’ part: Because the female version of lust is much more emotionally driven than the male version, it is much easier to confuse for real love. And pastors are at a disadvantage in understanding this because, like you, they’re dudes.
If a Christian man cheats, other Christians will tell you that it was lust in your heart and you need to own that and repent of it and exercise self-control. They’re right, too. Should be the same speech for a woman.
But if the woman is the one who cheats, a large number of them will say something like, “The fact that she felt a need to cheat indicates there was some deeper issue in the marriage that you both need to work together to solve.” Baloney. She felt a need to cheat? Yeah, just like when a guy sees a hot blond with a low-cut top and feels a need to fantasize about having sex with her. Seriously. How stupid do they think you are?
This is the truth. There is no shame. She is the one at fault. Think about these things before moving on.